Episode #1: (setting — 2-day roadtrip)

  • Me: Oh, by the way, we need to make a quick stop so I can buy some underwear.
  • Robert: What? Why?
  • Me: I threw out most of my old underpants so I would remember to buy new ones.
  • Robert: Ah yes, I sometimes forget how logic works for you. Okay… explain to me why we need to do this now, when we will be home tomorrow.
  • Me: Because I only had one pair to bring along.
  • Robert: Soooo… where is that one pair now?
  • Me: I’m wearing them – that’s why we need to stop. Otherwise I’ll be traveling ‘unencumbered’ tomorrow.
  • Robert: I see. You had me confused there for a second.
  • Me: (in a low smoky tone) Was the prospect of me riding along right now without panties too exciting for you?
  • Robert: Exciting was not the word I had in mind.
Episode #2: (setting: Perusing the Full Figure ladies’ underpants options at Wally World)
  • Me: They seem to be nearly out of stock in my size and preferred style.
  • Robert: Here’s a whole bunch on this shelf labelled “Hot!” [Genuinely concerned] Do you suppose no one is buying these because they feel they lack sex appeal?
  • Me: Trust me, the failure in that marketing strategy has much more to do with menopause than size.
Hot ≠ Hawt
Episode #3 (setting: Wally World parking lot)
  • Robert: [looking at photo on the tag of jeans he purchased] I wonder what Wal-mart models get paid? We should quit our high stress jobs and try that.
  • Me: [looking at photo on the package of newly-purchased underpants] No doubt they would pay millions for my underwear modeling skills.
  • Robert: I would have to draw the line at thongs, though. I won’t pose in those.
  • Me: Me neither. I sort of have Hobbit feet.