- Fact #1 : In our house, (even when all the kids are home) I’m the one most likely to turn on the wrong burner while cooking and not realize my error; placing us all in mortal danger.
- Fact #2 : Due to Fact #1, Robert shoos me out of the kitchen frequently and Kindly “offers” to Cook for me; thus preventing me from burning down our home or injuring myself, or both.
- Fact #3: Robert is unaware that I am aware of his motivation for Fact #2, and faithfully keeps up the “nice guy” act so I won’t feel insulted that he’s terrified when I approach the stove.
- Fact #4: Robert really IS a very nice guy. This is proven by Fact #3, bless him; but, he does rather enjoy casually reminding me about Fact #1 or my other innumerable culinary failures on a somewhat regular basis. I’m sure this is for my own protection, lest I slip into some confident delusion that allows me to begin spinning appliance dials with reckless abandon.
- Fact #5: When I work late and skulk home after skipping lunch and supper, and find Robert asleep; I quietly prepare a can of soup for myself. I have no patience for broth when I’m famished; so, I “hearty- up” my boiled soup with a little instant rice and top it off with a bit of Shredded cheese. It’s quick, inexpensive, easy, and pretty much risk-free (even for me).
- Fact #6: Last night, I put a pan of soup on the stove and proceeded to set the timer without turning on the burner. When the timer beeped, I tossed in the rice and cheese, put on the lid, and re-set the timer to let the rice do the magical mysterious absorption thing it does – like always.
- Fact #7: I did not notice the cheese was unmelted, nor did I realize the soup was stone cold until I poured it all into a bowl, sat down, and put a big ol’ spoonful in my mouth! Yuk! Imagine me shoveling it all down the disposal while trying to muffle the noise; heroically stuffing my upper torso into the wet sink at midnight.
- Fact #8: I’m happy for You all to read this and have a little chuckle at my expense – but if any of you mention this humiliating act of utter stupidity to my spousal unit (who will forego the “nice guy” routine and remind me about it daily for the next decade), I will never speak to you again.
- Bonus Fact: I seem to use more Semi-colons than anyone else in the universe.
Have a nice day.