There’s a whiteboard in our kitchen that everyone adds to bit by bit — including the cats, on occasion. Reminder, grocery shopping is new to me — and I hate it. Nothing makes me feel less competent than the produce aisle.
- Me: I’m going to the store. Is there anything you want to add to the grocery list?
- Robert: Oh yeah — can you pick up a pair of those disposable salt and pepper shakers? They come in a hermetically-sealed two pack. (Robert loves the term “hermetically-sealed” and never passes up an opportunity to use it in conversation)
- Me: Hmmmm… well, this is a new item for me. (trying to mask the growing anxiety in my voice). Where in the store will I find this foreign object?
- Robert: I don’t know. They move things frequently, y’know. I’m convinced it’s a plot to keep people in the store.
- Me: Like, If they have to search longer, they’ll buy more?
- Robert: Yep.
- Me: I have the opposite reaction. I get overwhelmed, head for home, and tell you to go the next day.
- Robert: Yes, I know.
- Me: So, salt and pepper would be on the baking aisle, I presume, right?
- Robert: Do you know where the fruit is?
- Me: The fruit? Why would salt and pepper be in produce?
- Robert: No, no… the canned fruit.
- Me: Oh, yes. I know where that is.
- Robert: Well, salt and pepper is usually across from the fruit.
- Me: Where the spices are.
- Robert: Yes.
- Me: Isn’t that near the baking stuff?
- Robert: Sure… probably… I guess so. I just go where the fruit is.
- Me:
- Robert: It doesn’t matter. It’s salt and pepper.
- Me: Help me out, here Bub. What color is it?
- Robert: Black and white. It’s salt and pepper. Honestly, the brand doesn’t matter.
- Me: Well, every time you saaaay “it doesn’t matter,” I’m greeted with “why did you buy THAT?!?” when I get home. I’m sorta hoping to avoid another blow to my dungeon-level shopper’s self-esteem.
- Robert: (laughs) You’re right. Just when I think you can’t possibly screw up a purchase, you find some weird obscure thing I didn’t even know existed.
- Me: Yes — I have the same problem with buying you gifts. No matter how sure I am it’s something you’ll like, you just look at me like I’m insane.
- Robert: I try to be appreciative.
- Me: I know.
- Robert: You are the only person in the world who can screw up the un-screw-up-able. That is gift enough for me.
- Me: So much for avoiding blows to my ego. One thing is certain — after 31 years, the mystery has never disappeared from our marriage.
- Robert: Just get any old salt and pepper shakers. You could have brought home the wrong thing and gone back to exchange it three times by now.
- Me: Okay, okay. (takes photo of whiteboard) I see you’ve written wax paper up here. Is there a specific brand….
- Robert:
